POLICE OFFICER - Interview starting at 11.20 am. Mr Goldsmith, what were you doing at 8.30 am, Sunday the third of October,
SIMON GOLDSMITH - I recall a bright, crisp Sunday morning. Times were different. I was freshly divorced. My parents were both alive and very well. My vehicle of choice was a former post office van, I was going to score a goal in just over two hour's time and I clumsily drove a bus for a living.
POLICE - Woah, back up, what was that?
SG - Umm, I clumsily drove a bus for a living? I became fairly reckless in the latter months of that particular career choice.
POLICE - No, before that? Something you were 'going' to do in two hours?
SG - Ahh, score a goal.
POLICE - (disbelievingly) Score a goal? In a football match? You?
SG - Yes.
POLICE - An actual, proper football match?
SG - Yes.
POLICE - With opposition?
SG - YES.
POLICE - Now we are getting somewhere Mr Goldsmith. We've had reports that your goal scoring exploits came to an abrupt end on this date. It seems that there is some legitimacy behind these accusations. Were there any witnesses?
SG - Right. Well, there were twenty one other people on the pitch of course. A referee. Probably some substitutes and supporters too?
POLICE - Names Mr Goldsmith? SG - Christ. It was a over twelve years ago. Er, ahh.. Jem Vince was there. Ooh, and Chris Jones.
POLICE - What makes you so sure?
SG - Jem swung in the corner that I headed in to make it Occold 0 Playford 1. (a tear wells up in his left eye)
POLICE - Right, so you're claiming the last goal you ever scored was a header direct from a corner?!
SG - Absolutely right.
POLICE - Would this.... (looks at notes) Mr Chris Jones back this up too? It does seem completely preposterous.
SG - If anybody will Chris will. He'll remember that game all too well as he also scored a screamer from yards out! Ah, Ross Leeks too. Ross played. I think he scored too. Yes, he did. I think.
POLICE - Ross Leeks you say? Could you describe his goal in this match too?
SG - Oh. Umm, no. Ross scored so many goals I really can't remember. Sorry. You can probably rule out a header? Or anything from an impressively long distance.
POLICE - Not particularly helpful.
SG - Sorry.
POLICE - What was the final result of this match? Do you remember anything much after your goal?
SG - (thinks for quite a long time) Not a lot. I scored to make it 1-0. (He adjusts his trousers) Jonesy got one. I'm not sure. They may have equalised? I'm sure we were 4-1 up at one point. Anyhow, we won 4-3 in the end. I'm certain of that. It was a Suffolk County Shield match. I scored a goal.
POLICE - Was it the last goal you ever scored Mr Goldsmith? Ever?
SG - Yes. Maybe. I don't really remember.
POLICE - You don't remember if it was the last goal you ever scored?
SG - No. I just don't remember scoring ever again.
POLICE - According to our records you definitely didn't.
SG - Oh.
POLICE - Our records state that in over nine thousand minutes of a fairly mundane Sunday footballing 'career' you actually only ever scored five goals before this fateful day. You achieved just one winners medal. That being the rather paradoxically named 'Champions of Division Ten'. Division TEN? That's like scooping an award for 'best conversationalist' at a charity shop staff awards night.
SG - You've overthought that sentence haven't you?
POLICE - I suggest to you that you've overthought your goal against Occold on the date in question. SG - What? How do you mean?
POLICE - You don't remember anything after your goal do you?
SG - Yes, I do. I told you.
POLICE - No, you don't.
SG - I do. How would I know otherwise about the other goal scorers? And the final score for that matter?
POLICE - You've only mentioned three of the four supposed goal scorers anyhow. I put it to you that you checked on the Playford website when you found out you were being bought in.
SG - I did not!
POLICE - You did Mr Goldsmith.
SG - This is ridiculous. How can you...
POLICE - What was the final score?
SG - 4-3.
POLICE - Final score?
SG - 4-3.
POLICE - Final score Sir?
SG - 4-3.
POLICE - Mr Goldsmith, what was the final score against Occold?
SG - (crying) 4-3. (sobbing heavily and struggling for breath)
POLICE - (pauses until sobbing subsides) What was the final score Mr Goldsmith?
SG - Occold 0 Playford FC 1 (wipes tears away and pauses for thirty seconds). I scored it. (Removes his trousers and reveals a horribly administered tattoo that attempts to recreate the Occold and Playford village signs. Sadly, the numbers '1' and '0' are in the wrong place and a removal has been attempted with some blunt scissors)
POLICE - Interview ended at 11.43 am. You can bring Paul Scowen in now Dave. Cheers.